The wedding plannner

I should have paid attention to the title.

‘The knot ULTIMATE WEDDING PLANNER’, sitting innocently on the charity bookshelf at work. Firstly, the joke in the title really sells the ‘crazy obsessive bridezilla having a laugh ha ha HA HA HA MY LIFE IS A MESS’ angle. Secondly, ultimate? That is quite the claim to make my friend, is there really no other book in the whole world including all languages that can better plan my wedding? Truly you are willing to put that statement out there? OK, that’s fine, but excessive use of capitals IS NEVER A GOOD THING.

The problem is that I didn’t asses the title. I put 50c in the jar, gave myself a pat on the back, and put the damned thing in my bag. Now it sits open next to me on the couch and the white bouquet on the cover actually seems to be eyeballing me with a look that says ‘What are you doing? Why aren’t you studying me? How do you expect to have THE ULTIMATE WEDDING if you haven’t memorized every word on my sacred paper?’ This is an intense book.

The preface has a section titled ‘Operating instructions: How to use this book’. Well, in my humble opinion as a bookseller of many years that now works at a publishing house, I would read it. That pretty much sums it up. Read the book.

Then the chapters start coming. And coming. And there are 19 chapters. 19 chapters!!! What can you possibly discuss about a wedding for 19 chapters?

Chapter one – A month-by-month checklist.
Chapter two starts at page 9. This means that there are 8 pages of checklists in the first chapter. Terrifying!! The first checklist (13 points long) is to be completed 12+ months before. Ummmmmmmmm I didn’t realise that before I knew I was going to get married I should have already bought this book and completed such tasks as ‘Hire a wedding consultant’. Rats.

Chapter 2 – Getting started.
Yaaaaaaaaay a chapter to put me back on my feet! With joy I open to lovely page 9, with it’s exciting promises of….. another checklist. A quick flick through the book reveals that there is a checklist on every second page. Roughly every 5 pages there are photos of happy couples smiling like they want to burst their teeth straight out of their head.

I need to refresh my Gin before continuing on.

In my wedding ‘schedule’ I’ve already ‘gotten started’ (the wedding is 6 months away and I’m too terrified to read this bit and find out what I should have done) so therefore we can quickly progress to

Chapter 3 – Attendants, Family and guests.
What follows boggles the mind in its complexity. There is a half a page ‘cheat sheet’ (hint – it’s really a checklist) for every major wedding participant. These sheets cover ‘Pre wedding, at ceremony, at reception and post wedding’. According to my mothers cheat sheet post wedding she ‘may host a post wedding brunch’. I have a feeling that when the fiasco (hint – wedding) is over my mother may spurn hosting a brunch in favor of a stiff drink.

Chapter 4 – Ceremony
Ours is going to go for about 10 minutes, I doubt I need to ponder upon it for 10 pages

Chapter 5 – Reception site
It’s a community hall and the reception manager is a sweet old biddy that calls me love. I don’t know how relevant it will be to unleash questions upon her like ‘Are there bathrooms? Will there be attendants? Do I need to tip them?

Chapter 6 – The Dress.
This chapter starts out with ‘The Bride’s Look Worksheet’. I am way too scared to read anymore.

Chapter 7 – Food and Drink.
Interesting…. my dad will be cooking curry for everyone. This makes him the caterer. I was meant to complete a ‘Wedding food worksheet’ to ‘best describe my image of my wedding meal’. What I actually did was say to dad that if he was offering to cook he could do what he wanted. There is no box to tick for this. I am also meant to ask him if he is working any other weddings on the same weekend, day or time? I certainly hope not, that would be awkward.

Chapter 8 – Gift registry
Suddenly something about this section catches my eye. There is a sub section titled ‘Ask Carley: Gift ettiquette’. This bloody Carley is in every chapter spouting out her advice to neurotic brides. Carley wants to reassure me that it’s traditional in some cultures to receive cash gifts, and if you aren’t from one of these cultures remind your parents and close friends to tell everyone you want money. That sounds swell, thanks Carley!

Then the book really starts to drag with whole chapters dedicated to bridesmaid’s dresses (no one is supposed to be looking at them! Right Carley?!), music, photographer, videographer, yawn yawn yawn. A whole chapter on the cake – my dad will be making that so now there’s two chapters of checklists for me to interrogate him with. Chapter 15 is invitations. Does that strike you as odd? Am I meant to be 15 chapters into planning before I even get the invites out? The cake chapter is next and I’m sure that stuff goes on between the invitations and cutting the cake…….

The grand finale is

Chapter 19- Big-Day details.
I really hate calling it ‘the big day’. I am exhausted pretty easily, and to me work and then dinner out is a ‘big day’. Let’s just call it a day and we’ll deal with the big when and if it comes to it. In the ‘Last minute tips’ section the book reveals ‘Don’t be a perfectionist, things are bound to go wrong – what you can control is how much you let it bother you’. Let me tell you wedding book of nightmares, if I followed this book religiously, and completed every single god damned checklist and laminated every freaking cheat sheet before handing them out, if I went to all of the measures you outline and something still went wrong? I WOULD BE ONE BOTHERED FUCKING BRIDE!!!

And so, dear reader, I am going to give this book to Vinnies. Let some other poor bride be suckered into purchasing it for charity. I had a friend elope and get married by Elvis in America. Do you think she had a book full of checklists like this? No freaking way. Was it a fantastic and beautiful event for her? You bet your boots. Checklists be gone, Elvis come hither. I’m all shook up and I need another gin.

Note – OK so I do have to put in this disclaimer, I do have some excel wedding spread sheets. But they are not checklists! Not all of them are anyway……